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A BOOK WRITTEN BY LELAND PULLEY, WITH INPUT FROM COLLEEN PULLEY Doing a good job as a parent is not easy. Just because you have a baby, does not mean you'll be a good parent. Just because you want to be a good parent doesn't mean you will be. There is a lot more involved than this. Unfortunately there are few parents who get any real training in parenting, unless they were lucky enough to see good role models of this while growing up. Schools do not offer degrees in parenting either. Yet it takes more qualities of good character, more consistent effort over time, and more brain power to do a good job as a parent than most of the jobs people do to make a living. If this doesn't seem true, you think about it for awhile, because it is true. So let's not kid ourselves into believing that some concern and some effort will do the quality job of parenting that we are truly capable of doing and our children deserve. Most parents will say they're doing a reasonable or good job of parenting. What do you expect them to say! However, anyone can improve and become a better parent. This is why the book's title is "better parenting" and not good parenting. It offers "a simple approach" that will help you improve the parenting you provide for your children. This is important! Trust me and other experienced parents who have raised children and adolescents. As the years go by, you'll want to look back and see that you did the best job you could of raising your kids. Don't be satisfied with anything less. This is foolish. So what do you think? Do you want to improve your parental skills and end up doing a better job of raising your children? Are you interested in making your job as a parent easier and more rewarding? Do you want to turn each of your kids into winners in life? Then this book is for you! Its approach to parenting is simple in concept, and easy to use. You can test out its ideas at a pace you're comfortable with. You will get the most results if you remember and follow this statement : "Have the type of one-on-one interaction described in this book, with each of your children, on a consistent basis during the years they are being raised in your home". This requires that you commit to being an active parent for each child or youth until he or she becomes an adult. Do you think you can do these things? If so, let's move on.
Summary Important Features of Book Using This Book Act Now Do Not Hesitate Table of Contents Excerpts or Writing Samples SUMMARY
The above things may seem simple or obvious, but when you actually do them in the ways recommended ; you'll see for yourself how powerful they are. Also, if you'll make the effort to gradually incorporate these four things into your parenting and family life, they'll become automatic or habitual with time. This is what you want. Part Two - When the above things are done, some major benefits are obtained. More individual development of both parent and child occurs. Better parent-child relationships are developed through increased communication and sharing. Parenting becomes easier and more enjoyable. Family life is better. The long-term objective of the book's approach is obtained, and this is turning children today into young adults tomorrow who are ready for the challenges facing them and their generation. Guidelines are provided to evaluate how well the book's approach is producing benefits for your family. Parent and child are shown how to evaluate their efforts and determine whether they’re achieving the expectations they desire. Evaluation helps you to stop and think about the successes being achieved. This builds confidence for both parent and child, and produces a willingness to seek success in more activities and endeavors. Part Three - After evaluation, recommendations are given to make improvements. These include : ways to have better parent-child interaction; developing positive attitudes and good feelings; using strategies that work with children today; learning to communicate better with each other; and improving parental teaching, counseling, and coaching of children. Part Four - Long-term considerations in your child's life are addressed. These include : the stages of development children pass through while growing up; the increased uniqueness of children with age; and how the parent-child relationship changes as the child grows up. Patterns and trends in the child’s life are watched, and then those which need to be improved can be acted on. Progress is monitored to make sure the child is achieving the goals set by himself and his parents. Learning from the past, living in the present, and preparing for the future are also covered. Age Group Information - The Better Parenting Approach recognizes the age groups children pass through while growing up. Age Group Information is provided to help you be more effective in dealing with a child at his current age. In conclusion, the Better Parenting Approach offers families a means to achieve what they want most - successful, happy children who are confident in themselves. These children continue to see their parents as mentors, confidants and partners in the personal success they achieve. Click here to return to the top. IMPORTANT FEATURES OF BOOK
Click here to return to the top. USING THIS BOOK Fortunately, you don't have to use all the book's material to start the Better Parenting Approach in your family. Merely use part of the material at first, and then add more of it later. Since the book is to be used as a guide and reference over the years you are raising your children, you'll have plenty of opportunities to use various parts of it. Eventually you should end up using most of it. The Better Parenting Approach will work for your family. As a parent, merely get involved. The ideas and concepts associated with this approach can be phased in at a pace you and your child are comfortable with. Merely stay involved by maintaining a consistent effort over the years. After using part of the book's material successfully, try out some additional material. Continue this pattern. By utilizing the help this book offers, you'll do a better job of parenting and more results will show up with time. Click here to return to the top. ACT NOW, DO NOT HESITATE To use this book, you must first buy it. You may hesitate to do this, despite all that it can offer your family.
Do not let these types of hesitations stop you from buying this book today. To order, go to the Order page shown on the toolbar. Click here to return to the top. PART I THE BASICS Click here to return to the top. Excerpt 1 - from Introductory pages before Chapter OneParenting today is a real challenge. Most parents strive to do what they can with the resources they have. They want to offer their children the opportunities needed to grow and develop so they become successful adults one day. How do you feel about your role as a parent? Are you interested in good parenting? Would you like to make some improvements in your family? There are things you can do to become a better parent. A simple approach for achieving this goal is described in this book. It was written to meet the needs of families today. Use it to help your children and yourself. ( A break in text here ) STRATEGY Make Approach Adaptable To All Parents Use The Individual, Family, Society Connection The emphasis here is on helping children. They need the guidance of concerned adults who are involved in their lives. The most important adults are parents. They’re in a position to do more good for children than anyone else and should influence their children more than others. It's best to establish this pattern when the child is young, and continue it thereafter. At this stage he hasn't developed a lot of third-party relationships yet, nor received many services via third parties. Other people will become more of an influence in his life as he gets older. As a parent, take advantage of the opportunity you have to influence your child. Use this book’s approach to help you strengthen him and your relationship. Then, as the child grows up, he'll develop good relationships with others, without diminishing the important role you play in his life. Your child needs to become a winner. He deserves the opportunity to make something of himself and achieve a reasonable amount of success in life. The Better Parenting approach gives you effective tools to lead all your children and do a better job of raising them up to be winners in life. This strengthens your family. As more families do this, there will be reduced problems in schools and communities. Every family is important, and every adult who has influence over a child can make a contribution. This approach helps parents and children do these things. Your family will benefit from using it. Focus On The "Essence" Of Parenting
These types of things are the real “essence” of parenting. Doing them changes you from a parent with mere concern and good intentions into one who is involved. You become a more active parent in your child's life. As you learn to do these things well, you become a more effective parent. The Better Parenting approach helps you to focus on the essence of parenting and excel in this area. As you do the things recommended, positive changes will occur. You'll become a better leader. You and your child will grow as individuals and draw closer together. Parenting will be easier and family life more enjoyable. In essence, you'll experience the good results that come from love in action. Emphasize Parent-Child Interaction interaction, on a consistent basis, over an extended period of time. It’s that simple! If you remember this statement, it will help you keep everything in focus as you get more involved in utilizing this approach. To put more meaning in the statement, let me elaborate on it.
Click here to return to the top. Excerpt 2Parents have different ways of talking with children and keeping tract of what is going on in their lives. Most of these ways are informal. Usually, parent and child converse about things as they come up. Little planning is involved and few conversations turn into serious discussions unless a specific need arises. Generally, parent and child do not meet together regularly. There are no agendas full of items to discuss, and over a period of time fewer topics are covered as a result. Most parents hope these informal methods will be satisfactory. Such methods are helpful, but more things are accomplished when some formal methods are utilized. For example, a serious intent and some forethought can change a conversation into a good discussion. Some organization and planning can change a discussion into an effective meeting. Discussions and meetings help parents do a better job. I’ve chosen to stress meetings for one reason. If you hold good ones, you’ll automatically improve your discussions and conversations. Consider a company or business. It has meetings to discuss items that need to be addressed, listen to employee input, and find solutions for problems. Families have similar needs. If you feel uncomfortable with the words “meeting or agenda”, remember your family is the most important “company” you belong to and deserves as much quality of effort. A Parent-Child Meeting is a time when parent and child get together to discuss various topics and make some decisions. During this time together, they communicate, share, motivate, and find solutions. They leave the experience better informed and more united in their goals. Here are some reasons to hold meetings in your family.
I recommend that you meet with your child regularly. By doing this you’ll accomplish worthwhile things with him. You will learn to hold effective meetings. With time, both of you will see good results from your efforts. The most essential element of the Better Parenting Approach is the interaction that occurs when parent and child get together and discuss various topics. The importance of this interaction can be stated this way: It affects the consistency of your efforts and the quality of the results. Form the habit of meeting together regularly. You need both consistency and effectiveness.
BEGIN WITH A DISCUSSION PARENTAL CHALLENGE - Have a discussion with your child. Read the material below to understand what's involved. Follow the guidelines given and you'll have a good discussion. For this discussion, keep it simple and you’ll hold it successfully. Select a child to meet with you. Decide when you'll get together. Allow time to prepare if necessary. You can select a place to meet if you want. Put some thought into what you would like to discuss with the child. Ask him if there is something he would like to talk about. I recommend that you be prepared to discuss one or more topics with him. It would not hurt to write a few notes in advance, especially if you plan to cover more than one topic. Notes will help you remember what you want to say. Have the discussion.
Ask your child for his reaction to the discussion. You may do this right after it or sometime later. Reflect upon your performance. Did the discussion go as planned? Was your preparation helpful? Are there things to work on next time? Holding a simple discussion successfully is an achievement. Congratulations! You’re now ready to move on and learn about Parent-Child Meetings. They involve more details and are more formal than discussions. You’ll apply what you learned here in meetings. THE PARENT-CHILD MEETING ( A break in text here ) Meeting Records Click here to return to the top. Besides meetings, another type of interaction emphasized with the Better Parenting Approach is activities. Meetings stress discussion and activities stress doing. They provide an outlet for many of the things discussed in meetings. This chapter begins with types of activities. It then covers guidelines for activities and your child’s need to be involved in them. Finally Parent-Child Activities are covered. As parents you know how important activities are in your own life. They are just as important to your child. You need to look at activities and decide how you’re going to help bring many good ones into the child’s life so he will benefit and grow through them. You know that many activities you enjoy require time, energy and money. However, your child may not understand how much time and commitment are required when someone tells him about sports, dance, music lessons, and other activities he can participate in. Talk with him and set some guidelines and limitations he must work within. After all, you’re a family. No one gets involved in an activity without it having an impact on other family members. Someone has to take a child to a practice or game and pay for lessons. Family time together can be sacrificed because of the lack of involvement of one member. Just as you’re aware of the time you take away from your kids if you have too much golf, you need to let your children know how many activities can be participated in by them. Let them discuss and explain all the things they want to do. Then, help them understand and incorporate the guidelines you as a family will work within. If you’re open and give your children the chance to try a variety of activities, they will be able to test out their independence and develop their talents without sacrificing the precious time you have as a family. You’ll be there to explain if certain activities have to wait until they get older or more mature. This way they sense you’re there, and guidelines are present, but they as individuals are not restricted indefinitely. This is the most important thing you can do for your child. Think about the information you read in this chapter. Ponder the impact of activities on your children. Pause before you say yes to all the ones they want to participate in, and be sure you’re able to truly support the consequences of their activities on your family. ( A break in text here ) Things To Gain From Activities
Verify that your child is receiving these benefits. Good results like these are possible if a person will work for them. Your child must learn to do a lot of things well, and do them for the right reasons. The more he puts himself into good activities, and the better his performance, the more things he will get out of them. Obviously, he'll need your assistance and cooperation to do this in the most successful manner. To get more out of activities, teach your child to monitor his participation in them. To do this he needs to partially remove himself (mentally) from an activity while participating in it. This allows him to "watch" himself and others interact. He becomes more conscious of his own thoughts and actions and what is going on around him. Taking a periodic break like this is easy to do. Help your child learn to do this. He can monitor his performance better and is less likely to get so involved in the activity that he forgets to set a good example during it. He acts more with his head and less with his emotions. This leads to less mistakes, and with time, less things to regret. This helps the child do better in activities and get more out of them. Learning From Activities A child's activities mean more to him, and he learns more from them, if they're discussed periodically in his Parent-Child Meetings. Focus on his performance in specific activities and what he's getting out of them. Look at the activities he selects and consider their impact on him. Explain what you think each activity is or is not contributing to his life. The child should express his opinions about what he's getting out of activities. In this way he can point out things you miss. This helps the child understand where he can improve, or why some activities should be dropped and replaced by better ones. The exchanging of views works well for children. They remain open to parental counsel. This permits such discussions to continue and with time your child learns to get the most benefits out of his activities. If an activity doesn't provide sufficient benefits, it's replaced by one that does. Activities that lead to problems in the long run are not even considered by the child, let alone participated in. Two other times to discuss activities is during the activity itself or in daily interaction soon after it. An informal setting like this encourages the child to open up and discuss the activity. You can point out specific things right there because the details are fresh in everyone's mind. And remember, to help older children or youths improve, they want to hear specific suggestions, not a lot of general comments. Click here to return to the top. The interaction that occurs through Parent-Child Meetings, Activities, and Challenges has an impact on the daily lives of children (and parents). However, your influence on children should not stop here. You can have an even greater impact on them by utilizing daily living. There are ways to utilize it more fully, and in doing this you extend your influence further into the daily life of each child. Ultimately every aspect of his life can be affected in one way or another. ( A break in text here ) Arrange Circumstances to Help Children Provide your child with opportunities to learn and develop himself in specific ways. You may hire a piano teacher to instruct the child, send him to a camp, or enroll him in a class. In each situation, you’re arranging circumstances to help the child in a positive way. Generally, a third party is influencing him and most of the time you are not present. If your child uses these opportunities properly, he’ll receive many benefits. You can help your child meet good people who can help you fulfill his needs. They may be people of influence or individuals who possess knowledge or special skills. They may have experiences to share with the child. They may be people with similar beliefs and values. By being around these individuals, or associating with them, he'll learn from them. He can use them as role models. Hopefully, they will reinforce the good things you're trying to teach the child. You can purchase things that are beneficial for your child. For example, you may purchase tools which he can use to build things. You purchase a musical instrument which he learns to play. You get a computer and help him learn to use it. Remember, as long as you're going to spend money, why not buy some things that are educational or helpful in some way. Your child must still choose to use them, but he has a better chance of doing this if he's exposed to them and encouraged to use them. There are others ways to arrange favorable circumstances for children. Arrange the most suitable ones you can for your child. Different strategies exist for doing this. They're all acceptable if they’re fair, honest, and based on proper motives. By using circumstances effectively, you'll increase the positive influence you have in each child's life. Click here to return to the top. This chapter begins Part Two. It covers the benefits of using the Better Parenting Approach, the long-term objective of the approach, and ways to evaluate how well you’re doing in obtaining these things. There are three major benefits: Development of Individuals; Better Parent-Child Relationships; Easier and Improved Parenting. Become familiar with these. This will encourage you to seek after them, and it will be easier to recognize all the ways this approach helps you to experience them. Through it you and your child(ren) will not only obtain these benefits, but discover additional ones the approach will bring your family. Eventually, you'll obtain its long-term objective, which is turning children into quality young adults. It’s important to realize that your success in obtaining these benefits depends on the individuals involved, their efforts, and the element of time. Everyone must do their part and cooperate with each other. They must learn from their mistakes and move forward. Under these conditions, the benefits described in this chapter will be obtained. The better you use this book’s approach, the more benefits your family will receive. Click here to return to the top. As you use this parental approach over the years, you’ll receive its major benefits along the way. Eventually, you’ll obtain its ultimate benefit and true objective which is turning your children into quality young adults. These young adults are ready for the challenges facing their generation. They’re prepared to seek success in various ways and find happiness for themselves along the way. These individuals are winners. You, like other parents, want your children to become winners in life. You want to see good results from the efforts you put into parenting while raising them. Producing a winner gives you a deep down feeling of satisfaction. It brings joy into your life. After all, children are really an extension of you, their parents. As you get older and begin to disengage from life, the thing that connects you with it is the next generation that you produced. Click here to return to the top. Your attitudes and feelings, and those of your child, have a big impact on parent-child interaction. For this reason, they’re emphasized in this chapter. Many attitudes and feelings are covered. These are basic ones essential to good interaction. Merely reading through them should demonstrate their importance. The information presented may seem a bit elementary. You already know most of these things. The real challenge however, is not what you know but what you do. In other words, how consistent are you in doing these things on a daily basis? Positive attitudes and good feelings should be part of your example to others, especially your children. This requires effort and some vigilance. A lot of self-discipline is required to do these things consistently. As you make improvements in doing them, your children will learn from you. Both of you will enjoy your interaction more and accomplish more through it. ( A break in text here ) SHOW RESPECT
Click here to return to the top. The last chapter examined some important effects of age and time on children, parents, and their relationship. The emphasis now is on trends in the lives of children. This is another important consideration when interacting with children for a long period. Patterns and trends develop in a child's life. Some are common because they’re related to normal growth and development. Others are more unique because they’re related to the individual and his circumstances in life. Some trends promote his progression and others hinder it. Some are more important to monitor because they have more influence on the child. You should monitor trends in a child's life because they provide valuable feedback on his progression. The material in this chapter will help you do this. Section One explains how to recognize patterns and follow trends. Section Two describes success and failure. This general trend affects all kids throughout childhood and adolescence. Every parent and child should monitor it. This will help you monitor other trends in your child's life. ( A break in text here ) SUCCESS BREEDS SUCCESS, FAILURE BREEDS FAILURE During Parent-Child Meetings discuss this law and the ramifications it is having in your child's life. He should understand it and strive to live in harmony with it. This means he should be breeding success and not failure. Verify that his patterns lead to many successes and few failures, and the trends in his life are pointing to long-term success, not failure. Being Successful Children should learn from parents what being successful is or what it involves. Success can be experienced in many ways, and should be a common experience for each of us. Help your child identify the ways he’s experiencing success. This provides positive reinforcement. What’s required to achieve success? Many factors, including the people involved and circumstances, affect the outcome of one's efforts. Children need a simple guide to success. They need to learn about things they can understand, use, and have some control over in order to obtain good results or the success they desire. Here are some guidelines.
When this strategy is used with your child, he learns to apply it in his life. This helps him raise his success to failure ratio significantly. Being a successful person involves success in more than one thing. There are several talents developed and skills learned, not one or two. This leads to achievement in more than one area or contest in life. Because of these achievements, several aspects of a child’s life are in good shape. Many things are progressing well. Recognizing him as a successful person is more an overall judgment of him than recognition for a one-time victory or excelling in one activity. It implies he’s successful in many things and will continue to be so. Help your child be successful. ( A break in text here ) To Breed Success, Teach It The basic process of achieving success and its positive effects are the same for any age group. It's only a matter of making it meaningful to the individual. Each age group wants successes that are meaningful to them as individuals at their age and in their circumstances. To get young children to seek after success, present it to them on a level they can understand. Daily victories are most meaningful. Sometimes weekly events become important too. The child did his duties, drew a good picture, learned to ride the bicycle, pleased his teacher, or made a new friend. These are simple, yet important ways to make success meaningful. It becomes something they can understand and reach for with as little help as possible from others. Older children can understand success in more complex terms. They know what good grades are in school. They see that participation in group activities like sports brings success just like individual activities do. There are successful hobbies, and talents which get developed like playing a musical instrument. Success can be taught to youths too. They don’t want to work today on being successful tomorrow if tomorrow is too far away. This usually means a few months to a few years; not many years. The younger adolescent wants to form a good self-identity, be accepted into the right peer group, and achieve something that brings him a little recognition. The older youth seeks a driver's license, successful social life, a decent part-time job, or good enough grades to get into the college of his choice. Click here to return to the top. Children change with age, and you must adapt your parenting to them at each age if you want to remain an effective influence in their lives. Age Group Information is provided to help you understand your child better at his current age. By combining this group information with your own knowledge of the child, you’ll be more successful in your interaction with him. This will allow you to more fully implement the ideas in Parts I to IV. You will develop techniques and strategies that work for your child. You’ll achieve Better Parenting as a result.
Copyright 2004-2010 Leland Pulley |
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