Guest Article by Sarah Gentili

When To Fix A Child's Problem

It is a well-known fact among my family and friends that I am a fixer. I enjoy tackling difficult problems, breaking them down, and putting them back together again. If I see something that is broken or can be improved, I zero in on it, and add it to my personal list of things to do.

This is a personality treat I have been able to develop into a formidable skill in my professional life as a small business owner. It enables me to pin point problem areas or points of weakness and correct them as needed.

My need to fix things has not been as successful in my personal life. In fact over the past year as I watched my daughter transition from elementary to middle school, I realized fixing it was the last thing I should be doing. It is one thing to fix a business problem and something completely different to solve a family member's problems.

My daughter and I have a very open relationship and the key to that is communication. I know more about the inner workings of her middle school then I every wanted. I have had my daughter ask me about bullies, cheating, sex, dating, and school fights. Many of her questions or comments have been about the behavior of other students her age that did not match with what she was being taught as acceptable at home.

Using this knowledge helps me guide and direct my daughter through the treacherous waters of adolescence. The challenge for me is letting her swim it alone instead of dragging her into the lifeboat with me. If I pull her too close, she will never be able to swim on her own. If I let her swim on her own, I risk having her drown.

This is a frustrating parental experience and one that I think all parents have to face as their children get older. The only clear answer that I can see is letting my daughter swim close to my life boat. If she needs to grab on, she can. If she needs to deal with something on her own, she can. And if I need to yell warnings or cheerlead from the sidelines, I can.

This is a delicate balancing act for a parent. I do not think there is any clear-cut method for this giving and taking, as children get older and seek more independence. In the beginning there will probably be resistance from children because of their natural impulse to grab as much independence at once as they can. There can even be some parent-child conflicts on this issue. I think small bits of independence are better for all parties, and let time be the judge of how fast or how slow you take things with your child.

I know that not being able to fix all of my children's problems is harder on me right know than on them. I also know that striking the right balance between adolescent freedom and parental guidance will be one of keys to my children's future happiness.

I hope that some of you may learn from my own challenges and be able to help your ownchildren through the trials of adolescence.

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Copyright 2010 Leland Pulley